I am proud to be a feminist, and for a while, I believed that if women kept resisting, and demanding justice, we would eventually see the fruits of our labor come to fruition. I held onto the hope that it was enough for women to speak up and speak out about our experiences with sexual harassment, micro aggressions, and sexist comments thrown our way. However, the case of Sarah Everard has shown me that it is simply not enough.
For so long, the discourse around women’s safety has centered around teaching girls what they can do to protect themselves — wear less conspicuous clothing, carry pepper spray, learn self defense techniques. From a young age, almost every girl has been told by their parents and teachers to dress less inconspicuously, not to accept drinks from strangers, and be careful when walking around at night. There are even dozens of videos, blogs, and Reddit threads that give women endless tips on how to avoid being touched without consent, followed, roofied, or even killed.
It is now that I realize this entire narrative has been extremely toxic and misleading because it places the responsibility of a woman’s safety on the woman. As a result, it ends up diminishing the vital role men play in the violence against women. It also makes it easier for people to default to victim blaming.
How many times have we heard —
“She was roofied because she accepted that drink from a stranger.”
“She was raped because she had too much to drink. She should’ve been watching her limit.”
“She was sexually harassed because her skirt was too short. She was asking for it.” ?
Sarah Everard’s case was so powerful because it showed us that a woman could take all the necessary precautions — she could wear the right shoes and the right clothes, take the “safe” route at night, check in with her friends and family, and still end up dead. It doesn’t matter if a woman covers up. It doesn’t matter if a woman doesn’t accept a drink from a stranger. It doesn’t matter if a woman takes an Uber or walks home along the busier street at night. It doesn’t matter because as long as a man still believes it is okay to sexually harass, assault, or murder a woman, this will keep on happening. There will be more Sarah Everards.
Women can no longer continue trying to be the solution to a problem we did not create. The only way to end violence against women is to change the rhetoric of how we are speaking about women’s safety. We cannot change this rhetoric alone. We need every man to be a feminist, and join in the efforts to shift this narrative because we’ve carried this responsibility for too long — a responsibility that never should’ve been ours to carry in the first place.
So, this is an open letter and plea to all my male friends, colleagues, and acquaintances.
We cannot stop the injustice on our own. Fighting for Women’s rights can not and should not fall solely on the shoulders of women. We need more men to speak out against sexist comments, cat calls, and the objectification of women. We need more men to stand up to their friends who talk about women in derogatory terms. We need more men to understand the real fear women live in on a daily basis. We need more men to be our allies.
Sarah Everard could’ve been your sister, your mother, your daughter, your aunt, your girlfriend, or your friend. Sarah Everard could’ve been me. It’s time to change the discourse, and it’s time we started educating men rather than trying to protect women.